This post may contain affiliate links. By purchasing a product through an affiliate link, I make a small commission – at no cost to you. Which in return validates to my family the few hours I spend staring at a computer screen in a day . See Disclosure for more info.
I stood outside the open window on a warm summer evening listening to the music play. My neighbors who loved to drink and play music till all hours of the night had become a familiar sound to me. The humming and singing, along with the guitar and keyboard filtered through the trailer park. I was heading over to retrieve my boyfriend who had said “he’d be right back” an hour ago.
They were a Mess
The music slowly came to a stop and I paused wondering if they were going to quickly start another song or if they were at the level of drunkenness that leads them to fight like they usually do.
Dan and Barb were in their late 50’s and loved to have a good time, until the alcohol kicked in and they realized just how much they despised each other. This was their thing; it is what they did most every night but despite this, they were good people.
They were even so kind as to let us stay with them before we were able to get our own place just two doors down from them. They were complete strangers to me before then, but knew my boyfriend Quentin well and were willing to lend us their spare room for a while until we got out on our own.
Instead of the music starting up again, I heard my boyfriend’s voice. It seemed they were picking back up on a conversation they had been having in between songs. I decided to listen in so I knew what I would be walking in to.
Good thing I did because then the conversation turned to me as a topic. Dan asked what I was up to and where I was at. My boyfriend replied, “she’s at home, I just had to get away for a little while.”
What was I Missing
Get away? What did that mean?
I continued to listen. Dan went on to assure him that is just how love is sometimes (he knows that all too well). He said sometimes the ones that we love will drive us crazy. What I heard next changed my entire world. Quentin told him “well I wouldn’t call it love”!
Dan questioned him, “you don’t think she is the one?”
I held my breath, frozen, careful to hear every word spoken after that.
“Well I don’t really know if she is the one but we have definitely had a good time”
I Was so Young and Naive
I felt a deep penetrating pierce through my whole body. How naive could I be? My cheeks were burning, my heart was racing, and my eyes were starting to blur with tears. My 17-year-old heart couldn’t take this. He was my first real love. Being 5 years older than me I trusted and believed everything he had ever told me. And I knew I loved him with every bone in my body.
I felt so confused. There was no previous indication that he felt so unattached. I had no idea he felt this way. He was supposed to be my future! All the sacrifices both of us made to be together. I quit school for him, I ran away with him. I left my family for him. He left his wife for me. This was a big deal! It altered not just our lives but everyone else around us’ lives too. Too much was at stake.
We had spent hours and days consumed with each other, forgetting about the outside world for nearly a year at this point. Now he was talking about me like I was a toy that he was quickly tiring of.
I thought he was my future. And everything I ever believed at that moment shattered. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. That moment changed everything I thought I knew about love. I realized that all the men in my life were the same and that it would never be any different. My eyes were opened, and trust died that day.
Maybe it Was All a Bad Dream
With my ears ringing, and my body numb, I no longer cared to hear any more. I turned back and headed home. I had no idea what to do now. I sat in the dark waiting for him to finally come home. I decided not to address it. I couldn’t! It was too much. If I just wouldn’t have been there, I wouldn’t have heard any of this.
Was he going to tell me?
To my surprise, he was acting completely normal when he got home. He reached over and gave me a peck on the lips, asked why I was sitting in the dark and what I had been up to. I was desperately hoping he didn’t see my, red, tear-stained face. I played it cool and acted as if nothing had happened.
Maybe I Can Pretend
He told me to get ready for bed and we would watch a movie, so I did. He started the movie and climbed into bed. His tall body and long limbs enveloped me as if he hadn’t just declared an hour earlier how meaningless all this was. Maybe he was just talking crap with Dan and none of it was true…but why would he do that? Why would he want anyone to think he didn’t love me?
As he played with my hair, I drifted off to sleep with hazy thoughts of how we would be just fine. If he was having doubts about our relationship, I could remind him of how much we need each other. After all, I rescued him from a miserable marriage, he told me so himself. And besides, we had to be okay, I had nowhere else to go.