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As a follow-up to my previous post of “I don’t know what I am doing,” I thought about the things that I know are certain in my heart and feel they are just as equally as important to share. In hopes, again, that someone else may find something relatable. I know it helps me to know that sometimes I am not the only one who feels this way.
I know that I have a tremendous amount of strength. The hardships that I have and do endure have built my character making me the strong person I am today.
I know abandonment when people walk out of your life, or you have to cut them out. This is so so so hard. Unlike losing someone to death you have to move on knowing these people still exist.
I know that I am a reliable person. I hate disappointing people because I know for me, that is one of the worst feelings in the world. The world is filled with enough disappointment as it is; don’t add to it.
I know sacrifice. Oh boy do I know sacrifice. Letting go of, giving up on, anything to make something or someone else better off.
I know how to be a good friend when someone is hurting. I can empathize with many feelings and situations.
I know what it feels like to come from a broken home. Not having your original family unit together is something so many of us have had to become accustomed to. Not only does it complicate family get-togethers, and holidays, but life in general. Never really knowing your place on either side.
I know what it is like to walk around with a shattered heart and go on like nothing happened. More times than I can count.
I know without God calling me to follow him on the path he laid out for me that I would forever be lost. Succumbing to the conviction in my heart and choosing different and better has never failed me.
I know I am a good mom. It’s the one of the very few things I feel I am good at. I want these little people I created to thrive. Children don’t ask to be here. They are dealt the hand they get, let it be good. They are the future.
I know how to set a goal and stay focused, especially when your life depends on it. It pays to be self-disciplined and ambitious.
I know how crippling loneliness is. Being a new mother, a single mother, lack of friends, lack of connections, estranged family, everyone busy with life and work while you stay home with the kids.
I know what having a panic attack in public with a toddler feels like. That need to escape and go hide and cry but you have to think of the little person you are responsible for, making sure not to scare them in the process.
I know what it’s like when people close to you die and you wonder how you will go on. Boyfriends, classmates, family members, tragedy, trauma, all of it, I know it more than I ever wanted to.
I know what it feels like to not have any choices. Stuck, with your back against a wall. Fighting your way out the best you can.
I know what it feels like to not be invited, popular, or understood. Not blending in with everyone else or interested in the same things, feeling like something is wrong with you.
I know for sure that Jesus loves me and rescued me. He has proved it time and time again. Learning to be grateful for everything that I do and do not know how to do. Trusting Him and trying my best to obey him makes all the hardship and struggles just part of life and not necessarily a label for how it will always be. But because of these experiences, and things that have had to know it makes me who I am and who He always wanted me to be.