There’s No Time

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Hi, Hello, it’s me…. remember me?

Although you haven’t heard from me in a while, I think about you every day. It’s true. I really do. I think about my followers every day. I wonder what I could write that you need to hear. What about my story should I put on the pages that will resonate with you? There’s so much, there’s just so much.

Should I tell you how I still have this overwhelming dream in my heart to write, to write all the things? About the truth, about life, about how hard it is sometimes.

How no matter how much I stretch to reach the keyboard every day, that there is a toddler’s hand pulling me the other way.

As mothers, it is a miracle in itself that we may have a chance to discover our dream. To finally reach that point in our hearts when we figure out what we want to do, what we are called to do, and what we are good at.

Only to discover that now is not really a good time. When you have perfectionist tendencies, multi-tasking doesn’t work (if there is even such a thing). I can only put all my focus into one thing at a time.  

There are the kids that DESERVE undivided attention.  A house that requires cleaning every spare moment. There are errands to run, socialization to be done, appointments that have to be met. Mental health for everyone to be thought about, everyone has different needs, including yourself.  Sleep is important, exercise is important, and there are too many things that can’t be dropped.

Maybe I should tell you that from the moment I turned 37 there has been nothing but turmoil and chaos surrounding me. And between 2 pregnancy losses, a global pandemic, and a couple of different medical procedures the panic attacks I once considered to be in remission have reared their ugly head again. Reminding me that the world around me is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can physically do about it other than pray.

I spend the first part of every day assessing how I feel, physically and mentally. Focusing on those things seems like a huge waste of time, yet the body symptoms demand I pay attention to them. Wondering if I will be able to meet the demands of the kids, the to-do list, and life, in general, to come out the other side at the end of the day. Having no choice but to make a million decisions throughout the day and pray they end up being the right ones.

This is motherhood. This is parenthood. This is life. It is not horrible, it is not all doom and gloom and seriousness, but it is real and unrelenting. And if you are not careful it will have you sacrificing your dreams.

So, what to do, what to do?

I think the only thing any of us can do is take it one day at a time. To somehow find peace in knowing that we are doing the best we can and it is unrealistic to conquer all the things. Although even to me, this answer doesn’t seem satisfying at times as I just want to strive for my dreams, I don’t want to look back and not remember this season. I would hate to realize that I was so consumed with writing that book, keeping content on the blog, and being relevant on social media that I forgot to enjoy the moment of raising kids.

One day, life will not be as busy. Sooner than I realize my toddler will turn into a kindergartner, and my high schooler into a college student that doesn’t live here.  There will be a lot of time then.

Don’t spread yourself thin trying to keep up. We have to stop comparing our accomplishments or lack thereof to other people, this advice is for me as much as for you.

We can’t do all the things. We weren’t meant to, and it is perfectly OK not to.

 Ecclesiastes 3:1 
There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens