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I was petrified of being put to sleep. Other than 2 cesarean sections in which I was awake, I had made it 37 years without having anything with my body go wrong to where I needed surgery.
Then I hit a roadblock and there was no getting out of this one.
A reoccurring cyst that just wouldn’t stay away, becoming more and more aggressive each time it surfaced had to be put to an end. This required me to come to terms with my huge fear and be put under general anesthesia to have it fully removed.
I knew it had to be done.
I’m Really Scared
I let it be scheduled and tried to put it out of my mind until it was time. I thought I was doing a good job of not thinking about it, but subconsciously it was there, messing with me. My attitude, my mood, fighting off panic attacks, unable to focus, fear and doubt were dominating my life. There was no way out. Except there was. I knew God didn’t want me to let fear consume me. I knew I was sending the message to Him that I didn’t trust Him. When my back was against a wall, instead of giving it to Him, I let the enemy plant so much fear in my head.
My thoughts were scattered with horror scenes of all the things that could go wrong. Then I decided that enough was enough. If I were to continue down this overwhelming road of fear there would be nothing left of me by the time of my surgery. I spent that last week on my knees. I had serious and very realistic talks with God about all of my worries, burdens, and concerns, no matter how irrational they were I knew He would listen.
And He did.
He confirmed in his word how he does not intend a life of harm. He will work EVERYTHING out for my good. The word victory kept coming up. Day after day that week I saw affirmation. I heard conviction about my spirit of fear. I heard “Amy, let me work it out” over and over again.
So I did.
Fighting a Battle
But the enemy didn’t like that!
He knew how easily I was always persuaded by fear of unknown circumstances. So, once I decided that God really did have my back no matter what and I could go through with this surgery, then sickness struck in my household. My husband came home with a fever and a sore throat.
I almost abandoned everything I had just come to terms with by letting God work it out. I gritted my teeth and prayed for him to feel better and for no one in the house to get it, especially me because that meant I would have to cancel the surgery.
The next day my 2-year-old daughter cried about her ears pointing and saying “boo-boo”, felt warm to the touch and wouldn’t sleep.
It was all too much. My mind began to spiral and my thoughts were all running to the negative scenarios.
This is me; this is what I do, I always go from 0 to 60 fast!
I thought, of course, this is how it goes, I finally get my panic under control and give all my fears to God just to get blindsided with more problems I have to figure out so everything can still go as planned. What if she gets sicker, what if she needs to go to the doctor, what if I get it, what if she is so sick my sister can’t watch her during my procedure?
Then boom it hit me! A complete moment of clarity. This is the enemy. He knows your weakness; he knows how extremely vulnerable you are right now.
I heard God say “what about me working it out, are you going to surrender it all to me no matter what happens or not?”
I am not going to lie; it did not come easy. Stopping each negative thought dead in its tracks, putting my hands up and not doing a thing about anything except just breathing and living moment by moment, letting whatever was going to happen; happen.
A blanket of Peace
The day before surgery, I woke up anticipating my anxiety to creep back in and me having to make intentional efforts to keep myself positive and calm all day. But it didn’t. Something was different. I didn’t feel like me.
Those 24 hours before surgery, I was not only calm but felt just like it was any normal day. I didn’t feel like I had impending doom lingering over my head. I functioned normally; the day was actually pretty good. I enjoyed each moment of the day and was in a good mood. I didn’t understand it, but I went with it.
Giving the Glory to God
The day of surgery came and I was a little on edge. I made intentional efforts to pray each time I felt fear and doubt creep in. But again, I took it moment by moment. My instincts told me to run but I knew I couldn’t rely on myself, only on God and God alone, for whatever happens, good or bad.
Needless to say, the surgery went exactly as planned without one single complication and I was home by noon that day. I knew as soon as I got home that I wanted to give God all the glory for this. He saw me through this, and He gets the recognition. No matter which way it would have gone, I realized that He is already there, bad or good, it is not up to me. He was there, He knows the plan. It is my job to learn to trust it!
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. ~ Psalms 34:4