I Don’t Know What I Am Doing

I don’t know what I am doing and it causes me anxiety.

I don’t know exactly where my perfect place in this life is. I have a constant nagging in my brain at all times telling me that I better get it figured out.  Too much is at stake and I need to fix it, remain in control, and stay ahead or drown.

I don’t know how to show my teenager the same amount of attention that I did before his baby sister came along. And that’s not okay with me. Teenagers need a lot of attention, and he needs to know I am still a reliable person for him in the few short years we have left before he leaves.

I don’t know how to be the daughter that my mom wishes I was. A daughter that relates to her and can roll with her spontaneity when I need everything planned out and to make sense. I don’t understand her and she doesn’t understand me and the rift in our relationship drives me insane.

I don’t know how to be a partner to someone when we have been through too many status changes. Living together, marriage, separation, divorce, and now reconciliation.

I don’t know how to explain ANY of THAT to my daughter when she gets older.

I don’t know how to be the supportive daughter to a father that struggles with alcohol abuse without resenting him. Wanting the best for him and wanting him to be there for me, but just wanting to act like he doesn’t exist until he gets his crap together.

I don’t know how to navigate this life without my grandma. The only person who had my back since birth. Who took time to listen, help, and genuinely care.

I don’t know how to go a day without thinking about how the same grandma suffered and died alone in a strange nursing home in the middle of the night when no one was there.

I don’t know how to make myself be social and be engaged in the world more, all while my pounding heart and inner dialogue reminds me of my self-worth and begs me to stay home and not to take the risk.

I don’t know what to do about the fact that I am supposed to raise self-confident, emotionally stable kids when I, myself am not.

I don’t know how to be in a room with my step-dad and act like he didn’t ruin my self-worth and belittle me my whole childhood.

I don’t know what to do about the fact that I need to work full-time so we can have more financial freedom but I die inside thinking about not being the primary care-taker for my kids. And not only that but entering into a fast-paced corporate world I know I don’t belong in.

I don’t know how I can advocate good health, and a natural holistic life and fall off the bandwagon struggling with my own health and weight too many times to count.

I don’t know how to do this blogging stuff.  Having so much to say, being overly transparent, but supposed to be teaching, motivating, and benefiting other people. Going against what comes naturally to me. While getting other people to actually care.

I don’t know how to just be a content creator and get people engaged without selling myself.

I don’t know how to get anyone around me to support me on any endeavor…… ever, past, present, or future.

I don’t know how to be a good Christian. When so many worldly things are enticing to me.

Overwhelmed.  That’s the word that seems to describe what’s going on here.  I am so overwhelmed.

I don’t know what to do if I never figure out a solution to any of this. Will there be a day when I finally say enough is enough? Letting go of everything I can’t control and accepting that doing my best is just going to have to be good enough.

I mean in reality that is all I can do.

Why is that so hard to accept?