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It is no surprise that I struggle. After all, that is a huge subject on my blog and I have written about it in many posts. In fact, that is even in my blog description as my motto,
“When the days are long, when the struggles are real and when connections feel lost, I hope that you find North Fourth Street to be a place that you feel you belong.”
Most people do struggle at something or some point in their life and I know I’m not alone in that. It is all part of life. I do feel that some people are better at dealing with the everyday struggles in life and have more resiliency, while some of us tend to buckle under the weight of the pressures of life a little more intensely.
I hit the ground running hard with this writing and blog stuff and was making headway, feeling great, and loving it. Now, I guess you can say I have been M.I.A.
There is a reason, a BIG reason, and I will disclose that at a later time. But I will say, as much as I have been thrown many setbacks, life changes, disappointments and surprises in life, you never quite get used to them and you certainly never expect them. So, I have been struggling. Not with the blog or writing ideas because I have plenty of those, but I feel unwarranted to write about some of the things I had planned while “life” has been happening so hard. While some of the other things the timing doesn’t feel right, or I fear the emotions it will evoke about some of the subjects I want to write about.
While I could sit and contemplate life, what my next move is, and what all this means, it doesn’t really do much for the life of my blog. I have always been transparent with what I write so I realized, even though I am struggling and dealing with things in my physical life that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be real and write about it. After all, I am a real person and I want to be relatable to other’s going through their own struggles.
Without further ado here are some of the struggles that are keeping my morale bogged down lately:
The Terrible Two’s
My daughter isn’t even 2 yet but we are seeing some wicked tantrums. She is so intense about everything God love her. I would rather do almost anything in the world than change her diaper these days. She absolutely does not tolerate it. I am learning it takes a lot of busyness and action to keep her stimulated. She likes to have a lot of scenery changes throughout the day and at a fast pace, the complete opposite of her mother, which makes it even harder for me to keep up. She is into this bouncing her head off the couch thing like non-stop now. I know it is just a phase but that doesn’t make me worry any less.
My son started high school. He seems a little aloof about what it takes to keep up as a freshman, but I know he will get the hang of it, just takes him a little getting used to (wonder where he gets that from). But the biggest struggle I have been having with him is how long it takes him to get ready in the mornings and his perfectionism. It since starting high school he changed overnight. He works out before school……… and after, and brushes his teeth for a full 2 minutes, I know because he sets a timer every morning while he does it. He now informed me that he will only be drinking water from now on and prefer I “do not fry any hamburgers or make any unhealthy dinners.” Umm okay, all this is great but I have seen him get a little OCD with things before so it makes me cautious. I never realized that being a parent meant you would spend a majority of time constantly wondering if your children’s behavior is normal!
It has been over 8 months since I lost my grandma. I cannot go one single day without thinking of her, or everything that happened. Regrets, the past, the good and the bad. Actually, I have so many pieces I have written about her and got halfway through and can’t finish because of all the intense emotion it evokes. I know there is a time and a place to get these stories out but I just can’t muster it right now. Some days are better than others and then just when it seems I have forgotten about the grief it seems it all comes back with any fleeting memory.
Finances and Homeownership
We have lived in our home now for just over a year. It is much bigger than our previous house and I love the space but wow…… the trouble we have had. I know this goes along with homeownership, especially on a 1970’s-built home but talk about STRESS. Every time we turn around something has to be fixed or updated. I had a small meltdown the other day because since we have just hit our year mark our home warranty expired and I noticed it was getting very warm in the house Tuesday evening. I went 0-60 quick! I just knew that our whole AC unit was done for and would have to be replaced. Come to find out the unit just needed to be cleaned. I felt ridiculous for freaking out so fast but was SO grateful it was a simple solution.
My Impending Birthday
I’m usually not one to stress about age, and technically I’m not in the way you would think. It is not necessarily that I fear being closer to death, but with my 37th birthday approaching, I have been mourning the loss of my youth. I feel like physically I have already peaked and can’t ever be restored to that more collagen filled, energetic version of myself.
Mentally I don’t feel like a nearly 40-year-old woman (that sounds weird just saying it), I thought I would be much more sophisticated at this point. Everything seems harder. Goals to achieve seem to take more work, losing weight seems like an impossible obstacle, and there comes a certain mourning of the ideas of what you thought you would have achieved at this point. It will just take a while to come to terms with this new era.
Every day these are just some of the things that keep me busy, unmotivated, overwhelmed, stressed, and sad. Here lately I have been letting these situations and struggles take precedence over my writing, which makes me feel even worse. I know it won’t always be like this and I am grateful for the things going right. I’ve just got to find my footing again after this new huge life change (the one to be revealed at a later time………stay tuned), as well as the typical daily struggles mentioned. I must preserver.