Kids 13 Years Apart
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There’s this struggle with having kids 13 years apart.
In the time since my firstborn to my second born, we did it all. From the first time in the snow, staying in a hotel, a trip to the zoo, seeing the ocean, attending a concert, first trip to church camp, we made sure to leave nothing out.
I couldn’t wait to introduce him to something new. I loved experiencing things through his eyes for the first time. Being a first-time mom back then I had no idea the lengths I would find myself going to just see that surprised look of wonder on his face.
Now here we are way on down the road and I find that I am not cherishing the first moments with my toddler the same way. I worry she is not getting the experiences her older brother has had.
I feel like I’m living two lifetimes back to back.
Maybe it is because I am way older, and I am tired. Or maybe because it is hard to put myself in that place of seeing the “firsts” again. All the things we did in the first 13 years of my son’s life were over the top. All the birthday parties, going all out for Christmas, pouring everything into him, has somehow made it a little less eventful for my second born.
I can’t help but wonder if it is like this for parents with kids that are closer in age. While your first born is having experiences for the first time, the younger sibling is usually experiencing it simultaneously. I know that’s not always the case but it has to be kind of like killing two birds with one stone.
Having children over a decade apart puts you right back into the race at the starting line, round 2. There’s a tremendous amount of stamina required to maintain the momentum we were going at before.
For example, during Christmas, I realized that my 3-year-old daughter has actually NEVER been to see Santa…like ever. At age 3, my firstborn had seen Santa 3 times. I can blame the pandemic a little but honestly, it was just never a huge deal, never a priority like it was with our first.
When my son was a toddler, I was riding all over town on my bicycle with him strapped to his seat in the back. Now, there’s an old bike out back with flat tires and we don’t even own a toddler bike seat anymore.
I’ve heard about the second child getting jipped before, but what about when there’s many many years between the first and the second?  I worry that she’s not going to get all the full experiences that her brother has. Don’t get me wrong, the child is not deprived. I just feel that her childhood is not reaching its full potential.
I don’t want to fail her because I’ve lost momentum. None of us can help the fact that the world turned upside down within her first few years of life, leaving us all a little burnt out and tired.
But I hold out hope that because she has a completely different personality and because she’s a girl, she will get a lot of “firsts” of her own in the future.
Does anybody else feel like they are failing their second child? Does anyone have kids over a decade apart struggling to find family activities due to a generational gap?
July 10, 2021 @ 5:45 pm
One of my sisters was seventeen years older than me and my middle sister was thirteen years older than me. I’m closer to my middle sister. She used to take care of me when I was a toddler. I’m only six years older than her oldest son. It was like I got to have a younger brother. I would go places with my sister and her family so it all worked out.
July 13, 2021 @ 2:48 pm
Jennifer, I love hearing of other non-traditional families. It sounds like it worked in your favor. So interesting and fun.
March 6, 2021 @ 8:55 am
My kids are really close in age, But I still feel the same way too. I think all mothers feel that way; we all want to be perfect for our children. But as long as we do our best and be present for them, they will know that we love them.
March 8, 2021 @ 9:53 am
Thanks Colette for the encouragement. It’s somewhat q comfort to know that the 2nd child for everyone doesn’t get quite the full special treatment as the first child.
March 2, 2021 @ 10:17 am
I immediately had to click on this post when I saw the title – because my sister and I are 13 years apart. Same parents, no other siblings. I know my mom struggled with that feeling of two separate lives with her two kids, but trust me: it’s all going to be WONDERFUL. I’m 27 and my sister is about to turn 40 and we’re still the closest friends. We loved growing up together and my parents were able to enjoy both our childhood and adulthood fully. I’m also 13 years older than my sister’s oldest son and we’ve got the same special relationship I had with my sister. It’s a lot of years between, but it can create some of the most precious bonds between family. You’ve got this 🙂
March 2, 2021 @ 1:10 pm
Stephanie, this is so cool. It is amazing that you have a close relationship. It’s always good to know there are others out there.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
March 1, 2021 @ 8:37 pm
Wow! My older sister had her kids 11 years apart and she said she was crazy. My younger sister is 17 years younger than me. It happens! lol
March 1, 2021 @ 8:50 am
This is so thoughtful, and I think you’re doing great, mama! My half-brother and I are 17 years apart, but it’s a little different from your situation though. I’m old enough to live on my own now, and he’s my stepmom’s only child so it’s all firsts for them. But I think my dad could identify with a lot of what you wrote since it’s not his first rodeo. Wishing you all the best. xo
March 1, 2021 @ 12:51 pm
Wow, Kelly thanks for sharing that. It’s always good to know about other siblings with age gaps. Thanks for reading.