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Early in the year 2017 I had noticed this overwhelming complacent feeling! I felt that something needed to change.
Stuck in a rut.
Same house, same story, no money to move, never satisfied with where I worked.
The most rewarding place I’ve ever worked is home and that is where I longed to be. I was having a hard time with saddening realization that Riley was about to become a teenager. I had very little say in much to do with his life anymore and he made it clearer day by day how independent he had become. Childhood truly is a magical time and just because he was done with it doesn’t mean I felt the same way.
I must have missed the transition because it just seemed we woke up one day and my little boy was gone. He was always my little man. I wanted to hug him, play with him, relate to him the way I used to connect with him but despite my attempts to no avail I felt a yearning and a displacement. I seemed to have been benched and struggled to find my place with him. As your kids get older it is hard to adapt and find new ways to show affection and connect with them.
An Unwarranted Yearning
A blimp of an idea had started to grow in my head starting a couple years before, especially after these random occasional maternal like dreams I would have. It was always the same in the dream, I would be in a hospital and be handed a baby in which I would immediately start nursing and then wake up. I always awoke from these dreams feeling a strong desire to expand my family…. but this time get it right. You know, all the things you screwed up and learned from with the first could now be applied to the second pregnancy and baby. This time I would be older, wiser and healthier!
The dream would wear off and the reality would set in of how biologically impossible it could be because of the PCOS and I would let the idea just sizzle out. I had a lot of freedom at this point anyway now that Riley was older. He needed me less and less and since he was older, he liked hanging out with his dad more now. After all, there was plenty of opportunity for it to have happened in the last 12 years and it didn’t. It was actually a miracle that Riley had even ended up here in the first place since I have struggled with PCOS since my teenage years. He was actually a big surprise when I found out. So, I let it go and tried to keep my mind off of it and it was fine. Life was easy.
Going on with Life
Our little family of 3 decided to take a trip to Florida for the first time the beginning of June 2017. Riley loved it, Ronnie got food poisoning and I came home with shingles but all in all we made some good memories. When we got back that whispering voice came back…. urging me that I wanted a baby. Why…I really don’t know considering the depression and anxiety that I developed after having Riley. In a way I thought I had been doing myself and everyone else a favor by only bringing one child into this world.
Still I knew my life was a stalemate. I tried and tried to figure out my next move. I needed a change of scenery or something exciting and promising. Something needed to change. I had dedicated a couple years prior to getting healthier and trying to combat the pre-diabetes and PCOS. I was feeling good and losing weight. Me and Ronnie’s relationship was starting to have trust and stability again, and almost just like it was before, like we were never apart. I talked to him about this strange desire to have another baby and he was fine to try but either one of us knew not to expect much, besides the age difference between Riley and a baby would be too big of a gap! Ronnie always thought he would have multiple children but him being the easy come easy go person he is, never dwelled on the idea and accepted one child and never talked about anything more.
I need a change….
In the meantime, I changed jobs after 4 years of working at the same place, and 4 years is honestly probably a record for me.
I thought getting a job closer to home and with a more consistent schedule would make me happy and fill this unidentifiable void. I get antsy easy and when I don’t feel that my job is rewarding, I move on. So, I moved on and this new job was terrible! Yeah it had good hours (4 hours a day) and I didn’t have to stand on my feet all day like I did at the front desk of the hotel but this place was a hot mess and so boring.
Off I went everyday though, to sit at this desk in a place where I was the only employee. I would sit there and have the weirdest sensations, spasms! At first, I thought I am just not used to having a job where I sit for so long. After a while my anxiety ridden self would sit there with all this time on my hands and think worse case scenario. Since I had dealt with PCOS most my life and have had cyst close to bursting I started freaking out thinking that is what is happening again. I text my sister one day after I had enough, after all she is a PCOS sufferer too. I asked her if she ever had this or that go on. She just laughed and said “must be aliens”.
July rolled around and although I very rarely drink, I was thinking for July 4th weekend I might want to drink (you can tell I don’t drink much I even plan it out and it is a big deal)! Since in the past I can go months on end without a regular cycle I am used to taking the occasional pregnancy test just to be safe. More times than not it assures me that I am not pregnant and I go on with my life. I decided it was that time again to get some clarity just in case, before I drank any alcohol. It is not really like I had any symptoms like when I was pregnant with my son so I really expected nothing out of the test.
A Shocking Revelation
However, I took the test and I was no clearer than I was before I took it! Is that 2 lines? Is that one line too faded? Why does it look like that? A quick pic for verification sent to my sister for an opinion turned into her buying a digital test and insisting I come over and take it and figure it out.
Then, sure enough that digital test had an answer for me in less than 30 seconds!
My head was spinning! Did I deserve this?
Was a really getting another chance?
How far along am I? I mean we just decided last month we would put a conscious effort into trying. Is it going to be healthy? Have I been healthy enough?
Putting all the Pieces together
I mean months ago I remember my boobs hurting like I was going to start and nothing came of it. Then there was that time that EVERYTHING smelled so strong! I then recalled the time I went to eat with my sister and had to spit out every bite because the texture in my mouth was making me nauseous. Or what about the time in Florida on the dolphin cruise where I got sea sick despite the fact that I have been on boats before with no problem. Oh my God, I am several months pregnant! Some of those symptoms were months ago!
How could I have been this stupid? Again! How could I have been in so much denial? In my defense this pregnancy absolutely was not like the first one at all. There was actually never any throwing up constantly like before. I wasn’t exhausted, I mean I went to Florida and walked my butt off. Not to mention all the other small trips, concerts, and adventures earlier in the year I had abundant energy for.
Two pregnancy tests and I was still in denial. The following Monday I went to the local doctor’s office for a blood test. They took my blood and in the meantime the doctor there felt around on my stomach and said “we will have to see in a few minutes what the blood test says but your uterus feels close to the top of your ribs” meaning I would be about 5 months. Even the doctor didn’t really believe that though. A few minutes later the blood test confirmed for a 3rd time that I am pregnant. I immediately picked an obstetrician and made an appointment and was immediately scheduled for an ultrasound.
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you…
I went into the hospital and waited my turn, with a very full bladder per their request, to get called back. I was so nervous not knowing if everything would be okay since I didn’t know how long this pregnancy had been going on I wanted to go by myself.
When I went back and got on the table, she put the ultrasound wand on me and said, “oh yeah you’ve got a baby in there, you can go empty your bladder it’s too full.”
When I laid back down, she tried again and I could see every detail on that screen and could tell I was pretty far along. So far along in fact that she immediately asked if I wanted to know the gender. My head could not process all of this! I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else’s life. Before I could even think or pray or hope of what I wanted it to be I just said “yes”! She said it is definitely a girl. It all seemed way too good to be true! Good things like this just don’t happen to me. I had a boy and now I get a girl!
When I went home and told Ronnie a tear came to his eye!
Our entire family was so excited!
Shortest Pregnancy Ever!
The follow up appointment the next week after the ultrasound the doctor confirmed that I was 21 weeks.
It all seemed too good to be true! Too easy! I mean after all I just floated through 5 months of pregnancy!
Approximately 5 months later I had a completely healthy baby girl (by unplanned cesarean non the less, just like before, but healthy!)
Looking back now I can see how God glorified himself during that whole pregnancy! This was a true miracle! I was chosen to be that little girl’s mom right then and there. When I didn’t think it was possible, when I didn’t think that I was deserving. He blessed me. He proved that he is in control and everything is in his timing. God can change lives in the blink of an eye!
I can’t wait to see why that little girl was meant to be here and watch the rest of her story……unfold.