I Don’t Want to Talk About COVID-19

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I never wanted to write about COVID-19. I typically let my heart, feelings, and God inspire my writing topics.
And although I’m not proud to admit this…I’m honestly petrified of COVID.
I have a phobia of all viruses, disease, and sickness. I’ve written about it before and how it is a huge trigger to my anxiety.

Every year during flu season the extreme caution starts. I won’t let my little one touch a shopping cart, we can’t go anywhere without sanitizer and although I’m ashamed to admit it, we even avoid church during peak flu season. It’s a lot of work being a germ-a-phobe.

COVID Showed Up Uninvited

Then the inevitable happened last week, my son tested positive for COVID. I prayed all day for a negative result and his symptoms to just be a sinus infection, but also that I would be able to handle it if it was positive. I pleaded with God for me to be able to stay calm and be a good strong mom despite the results.

However, when that phone call happened later that evening telling me of the positive results, my heartrate sky-rocketed as the nurse on the other end of the line told me so many steps on what to do next. I could feel my blood pressure rise. My head was throbbing. A sense of impending doom fell over me. I thought the worst thoughts about what may happen to all my family members in the next week to follow.

God, where are you?

Super Mom Mode

I went into super mom mode. We were all on a strict Zinc regimen, a daily multi-vitamin, extra D and C. Lots of green and hibiscus tea for the anti-oxidant support. And of course, Elderberry juice several times a day. I was doing all I knew to do. We all kept our space and were sanitizing constantly. I prayed fervently and by day 2 I finally had my peace back.

As of right now, although my husband and I are still in quarantine, everyone in my home is in perfect health. Thank God! My son’s main symptoms were fever and headache for 5 days. Although I am glad that it is over, I don’t want to experience it again.

A Confusing Trip Out

During our isolation we needed groceries. In need of groceries, I placed a Wal-Mart pick-up order and was so grateful for a contactless way to get the supplies we needed. I welcomed a chance to get out of the house alone that evening and make the 30-minute trip to the store. I desperately needed an escape from my current circumstances. As I drove through the city, I looked over and saw the movie theater parking lot with several cars in it, as well as the Buffalo Wild Wings. I looked to the other side of the street and saw people coming and going from Target and going in and out of TJ Maxx.

It seemed as if the world was going on as if there wasn’t a global pandemic sweeping through our area relentlessly. I couldn’t decide how I felt about this, swirling my mind into a state of confusion and disconnection. In a way, it made me happy. Happy that there is still some normalcy in the world. These normal sites were comforting. But then anger at the fact that it seemed so many were disregarding it. Then, feeling jealous and ashamed.  What I wouldn’t give to feel as carefree as those people clanking beer glasses and raving on about a game on the big screen inside a Buffalo Wild Wings were.  

Where’s The Consistency

Conferences and conventions, craft shows, and Christmas events, sports with crowded gyms and arenas are all happening all over now and, in the weeks, to come. Five minutes later while I’m waiting for my Wal-Mart order, I scroll through my social media feed and see a picture of tents set up outside the city’s hospitals stating their COVID unit is now full, urging people to stay out of packed social events. I’m absolutely perplexed. There is no consistency in the world right now…with anything.

The Poor Schools

Some of us are doing all we can to avoid sickness and getting others sick. Other people are doing anything but that. I get that you are not supposed to live in fear. But tell that to the person with panic or the elderly, or the immune-compromised. Aren’t we tired of this? Don’t we want it to end with as little damage or lives taken as possible?

As my son was out with COVID last week, and with all school attendance declining, his school announced that they would be resorting to virtual learning until after Thanksgiving break. Flashbacks to March fill my head, and I project a date in the future that I pray we will be through COVID dictating our lives.  I have to have hope, yet I find myself wanting to fast forward until the spring, making fake promises to myself that COVID won’t be a thing.

COVID…The Holiday Thief

Everything is strange. Now the holidays are approaching and they are looking like they will be strange too. Last weekend my daughter celebrated her 3^rd birthday. We usually have a quant little party at our home with friends and family. This year we obviously couldn’t. With no time to order anything else we came to terms with a couple of little gifts we had for her and included a cake in the Wal-Mart pick-up order.

I thought I would be depressed about my daughter’s birthday being uneventful. But surprisingly when that day came, I didn’t feel depressing. I was able to completely focus on her all day.

From the time we woke up, it was all about making her day fun and making her feel special. A kitty cat pancake for starters followed by a sticker game. A Happy Meal from McDonald’s (her favorite) for lunch followed by cake and ice cream and opening up her presents. She was loving the undivided attention.

I was loving it too because for the past 2 years this day is filled with rushing to make the house and food ready for guests. This year none of us were overwhelmed and there was virtually no cleanup.

Although I prefer to celebrate with friends and family, a low-key birthday was welcoming for where we are at during this time in the world. Now, with Thanksgiving approaching it seems as though we are gearing up for more low-key events. The holidays will be different this year. Melancholy is beginning to lay the groundwork. Yet, I’m hopeful that I may just be surprised as those days come and God will grant us comfort and joy just as in the Biblical days, and like with my daughter’s birthday.

Transformation

Isolation is no fun. Sometimes I get so angry that everything has been stripped from us (as in the whole world) this year. But I think it is forcing us to transform our minds, and that is not necessarily bad. I don’t see how any of us will come out of this unchanged in some way or another. This time has shown me that we are all stronger than we have ever known, that there is unity in isolation, and that sometimes we can’t always have our way. These restrictions that we are forced to endure are going to make for some grateful hearts when the fog of COVID finally begins to part.