I Don’t Know What I Am Doing
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I don’t know what I am doing and it causes me anxiety.
I don’t know exactly where my perfect place in this life is. I have a constant nagging in my brain at all times telling me that I better get it figured out. Too much is at stake and I need to fix it, remain in control, and stay ahead or drown.
I don’t know how to show my teenager the same amount of attention that I did before his baby sister came along. And that’s not okay with me. Teenagers need a lot of attention, and he needs to know I am still a reliable person for him in the few short years we have left before he leaves.
I don’t know how to be the daughter that my mom wishes I was. A daughter that relates to her and can roll with her spontaneity when I need everything planned out and to make sense. I don’t understand her and she doesn’t understand me and the rift in our relationship drives me insane.
I don’t know how to be a partner to someone when we have been through too many status changes. Living together, marriage, separation, divorce, and now reconciliation.
I don’t know how to explain ANY of THAT to my daughter when she gets older.
I don’t know how to be the supportive daughter to a father that struggles with alcohol abuse without resenting him. Wanting the best for him and wanting him to be there for me, but just wanting to act like he doesn’t exist until he gets his crap together.
I don’t know how to navigate this life without my grandma. The only person who had my back since birth. Who took time to listen, help, and genuinely care.
I don’t know how to go a day without thinking about how the same grandma suffered and died alone in a strange nursing home in the middle of the night when no one was there.
I don’t know how to make myself be social and be engaged in the world more, all while my pounding heart and inner dialogue reminds me of my self-worth and begs me to stay home and not to take the risk.
I don’t know what to do about the fact that I am supposed to raise self-confident, emotionally stable kids when I, myself am not.
I don’t know how to be in a room with my step-dad and act like he didn’t ruin my self-worth and belittle me my whole childhood.
I don’t know what to do about the fact that I need to work full-time so we can have more financial freedom but I die inside thinking about not being the primary care-taker for my kids. And not only that but entering into a fast-paced corporate world I know I don’t belong in.
I don’t know how I can advocate good health, and a natural holistic life and fall off the bandwagon struggling with my own health and weight too many times to count.
I don’t know how to do this blogging stuff. Having so much to say, being overly transparent, but supposed to be teaching, motivating, and benefiting other people. Going against what comes naturally to me. While getting other people to actually care.
I don’t know how to just be a content creator and get people engaged without selling myself.
I don’t know how to get anyone around me to support me on any endeavor…… ever, past, present, or future.
I don’t know how to be a good Christian. When so many worldly things are enticing to me.
Overwhelmed. That’s the word that seems to describe what’s going on here. I am so overwhelmed.
I don’t know what to do if I never figure out a solution to any of this. Will there be a day when I finally say enough is enough? Letting go of everything I can’t control and accepting that doing my best is just going to have to be good enough.
I mean in reality that is all I can do.
Why is that so hard to accept?
May 25, 2019 @ 3:01 pm
You are dealing so well at working through some deep shit. It’s alot, but it’s no unmanageable. You’ve got this, even if you don’t feel like you do, you are strong and have been so strong through out.
Sending you all my love.
– Nyxie
May 25, 2019 @ 4:36 pm
Nyxie, it definitely is a lot. Feels excessive on some days.
Thanks for the encouragement.
May 24, 2019 @ 2:11 pm
Beautiful. I am in awe of how open you’ve been.
This speaks to me so much as this is how I feel since losing my Mum, that I’m not good enough. I don’t work the way I did before. It makes me question everything.
This post is wonderful, thank you so much for sharing 💕
May 24, 2019 @ 5:29 pm
Claire, to be honest I am pretty surprised at myself for being THIS vulnerable.
Thank you for reading.
Sorry to hear about your mom.
Know you are not alone in your feelings.
May 24, 2019 @ 1:10 pm
I don’t know what I’m doing on any given day either and it’s hard to figure out how to push through it. I have a great business and now a blog and I’m able to do all the mom things with and for my kids but still, I struggle. Thanks for sharing this, it’s totally something I feel all the time.
May 24, 2019 @ 5:30 pm
Thanks Rebecca for reading and taking the time to comment.
May 24, 2019 @ 1:01 pm
I think this is so powerful – so often we struggle with the idea that we are supposed to know what were doing all the time and the truth is we just dont. Thanks for sharing how almost everyone feels but is too nervouse to say out loud!
May 24, 2019 @ 5:31 pm
Shannon, thanks for reading. I think if we all knew how much we all struggle we wouldn’t feel as insecure about it.
May 24, 2019 @ 12:10 pm
I think we all struggle at times – and some times are worse than others. I know I do. I hope writing this was cathartic- it felt like it was. Remember the bits you are getting right – there are many more than you think. And remember that everything is a learning process, no one is perfect and we are all allowed to be human. You got this.
May 24, 2019 @ 5:34 pm
Rachael, so cathartic! You pegged it exactly. I did feel a little release getting it all down on paper.
That is all I can hope for through this writing process anyway, along with helping other people process their own feelings. If I do nothing else with this blog other than those 2 things I will be fine with that.
May 24, 2019 @ 12:09 pm
Wow, so many of us can identify with your words, yet, not many of us can actually express ourselves to the world. We think we need to have every piece of life fit perfectly in the puzzle but it doesn’t always work that way. I feel there is more to life than what we think it to be and have to search and seek why I’m on this Earth? Once we know why, everything will hopefully make sense. At least that’s what I hope. But give yourself credit and know your worth. You are a super woman no matter if at times you don’t feel like it. Hugs to you! Thank you for sharing.
May 24, 2019 @ 5:36 pm
Gloria, thanks for your words! I feel the same way….figuring out why we are on this Earth is a pretty big thing to ponder but so important for us to do.
May 22, 2019 @ 11:47 pm
This is a powerful post, Amy. Vulnerable and sincere– it is all really so hard. You are stronger than you think. Look back at your post with another pair of eyes– you are gracious, truthful, motherly, thoughtful, empowered, creative, working, thriving, loving and loved. It may not be easy but you’re doing it all. Give yourself that!
May 23, 2019 @ 1:40 am
Elease,
Right after we were messaging and you said you read this post, I thought, “omg let me read it again.” As soon as I did I was blown away by all my grammar errors. They stuck out like crazy. How embarrassing lol. I guess I really was in a bad state of mind when I wrote this, or my baby girl was needing my attention. Actually probably a combination of both.
Anyway, your words are incredibly encouraging and I really appreciate you taking the time to read it.
May 23, 2019 @ 3:19 am
Amy…I love your words. I identify with not knowing how to be… I’m so glad you decided to write this. It’s powerful…
May 23, 2019 @ 2:12 pm
Thanks for saying that Alicia! I debated after posting what I had done, wondering if that was too raw. I’m so glad you could find it relatable.