This post may contain affiliate links. By purchasing a product through an affiliate link, I make a small commission – at no cost to you. Which in return validates to my family the few hours I spend staring at a computer screen in a day . See Disclosure for more info.
Something Is Missing
Early in the year 2017, I had noticed this overwhelming complacent feeling! My son was about to be 13 and was quickly outgrowing his mother. My role with him was getting smaller. I loved it when he was little. It all went so fast and seemed so fleeting!
He is the one who made me a mother for the first time and I realized how amazing motherhood can be. With this change, became the idea of how bad I wish I was able to have another child, but now it just seemed like too much of an age gap……for all of us.
I always longed to experience having a baby again but knew with PCOS it wasn’t likely. It was some strange unexpected miracle that I even ended up pregnant in the first place with completely erratic and unpredictable periods. After all, it seems like in 13 years there were opportunities and it would have happened if it was going to happen.
I would always daydream about how I would get it right the next time. You know, all the things you screwed up and learned from with the first child could now be applied to the second pregnancy and baby. This time I would be older, wiser and healthier! I would push this feeling aside and preoccupy myself until I just couldn’t anymore.
All We Can Do Is Try
The end of June we had just gotten back from a trip to Florida, the returning from vacation blues were upon me, and I started to run these crazy thoughts and ideas around with my husband about my strong desire for another baby. He loves babies and kids and had always envisioned himself having more so he was game to try again after a realistic talk about how it most likely wouldn’t happen with unpredictable periods and we shouldn’t get our hopes up, but no harm in trying.
One month after, in July, I began feeling some strange things going on. Some ovary pain and twinges as well as what I thought were spasms. I feared I was developing ovarian cysts again. I had experienced very small ruptured cysts before. Day after day this was happening but yet not painfully enough or prominent enough to prompt me to go to the doctor. I kept waiting for my period to start, I figured since it had been a while since I had one that was what was trying to happen.
Is This Test Faulty?
I decided to take a pregnancy test just in case. Although I was seriously highly doubtful that was the case. When you have PCOS you get used to seeing negative pregnancy tests a lot. To my surprise though it had 2 faded lines. Still unclear, I went for the digital test. Within 10 seconds of taking it, it flashed up on the screen……PREGNANT!
My head was spinning! Did I deserve this?
Was a really getting another chance at motherhood?
How far along am I? I mean we just decided last month we would put a conscious effort into trying.
Is it going to be healthy?
Have I been healthy enough?
I scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN which scheduled me for an ultrasound on the first visit.
With a very full bladder, I waited my turn to go back.
When I went back and got on the table, she put the ultrasound wand on me and said, “oh yeah you’ve got a baby in there, you can go empty your bladder it’s too full.”
When I laid back down, she tried again and I could see every detail on that screen to the point where even I could tell I was pretty far along.
So far along in fact that she immediately asked if I wanted to know the gender. My head could not process all of this! I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else’s life.
Before I could even think or pray or hope of what I wanted it to be I blurted out “YES”!
She said it is a girl. It all seemed way too good to be true! I had a boy and now I get a girl!
Our entire family was so excited!
The follow-up appointment next week after the ultrasound confirmed that I was 21 weeks!
It all seemed too good to be true!
I mean, after all, I just floated through 5 months of pregnancy! How could I not know?
I was so sick and so tired during my first pregnancy, I had none of that with this one.
Looking back so many things became clear. The swollen ankles on the drive to Florida, the strong sense of smell I had months ago, the tender breasts that I dismissed.
The strong and sudden desire to have a baby………umm yeah because I already had one on the way!
So much for my planning.
At the Beginning but Only 4 Months Left
Okay, so I hit the ground running! There were only 4 months to get everything in order.
This time, I knew what I did and didn’t want. Luckily my doctor was very supportive of a VBAC.
With my son, I ended up having an emergency cesarean because of a long labor and me and baby’s vitals weren’t so good. I knew I didn’t want that again!
I walked 2 miles every day being sure to keep gestational diabetes away that I developed with my son.
I wanted to be as healthy as possible. Maybe it was my guilt for not knowing all this time and trying to make up for all the sushi eating, wine drinking, hot tub soaking good times I had earlier in the pregnancy.
From that point on, I did everything right. I did my research, I typed up my birth plan, drank the red raspberry leaf tea, did the stretches and the workouts. Then at my 39-week appointment, the doctor tells me that I am not really dilated and the baby has not even dropped down in my pelvis.
Okay, it’s fine I’ll just do more stretches and try different methods with gravity in my favor, I can do this!
My doctor let me get to 42 weeks (even though we were never sure on the due date from the beginning with the way things happened) and the baby was still pretty high.
She told me it was time and she didn’t want me to go any farther. So, with an induction date set, I headed home and got my bag packed, grabbed my clear plastic binder covered birth plan and waited for the day.
I showed up at 5 am just like they told me. Nervous but ready to get induced and meet my daughter. I waited for my doctor to show up to give the okay to get the show on the road.
The doctor comes in, checks me and proceeds to tell me how uncomfortable she is inducing me. She goes on to say that because I had a c-section before and the baby STILL seems too high, that I could have a hard drawn out labor putting me at risk for uterine rupture because of my previous c-section. She questioned why the baby would still be so high and was concerned that maybe I don’t have the type of pelvis that would let the baby drop down through the birth canal.
So Much for the Birth Plan
With a mind filled with doubt, fear, and the threat of an emergency surgery I agreed to have a scheduled c-section that day. However, since I had breakfast before I got to the hospital, she could not perform surgery right then in the emergency case that I would have to be put to sleep under anesthesia putting me at risk for aspiration. She tells me that she has a full patient load that day in her office and when she finishes with the last patient she will come up and perform my surgery.
I felt so hopeless and defeated. So much for my neatly prepared and carefully thought out birth plan. It was going to be a long day, a long day of boredom, starvation, and apprehension. The plan had changed drastically! I tried to rest but it just wasn’t happening between my nerves and the nurses constantly needing to do something to me like get PICC lines started and check vitals.
Finally, it was time for the office to close….5 p.m. My nerves were building. A cesarean is not anything I ever wanted to do again and had certainly not planned on it. I waited and waited, then I was told that both operating rooms were being used and I would have to wait till one opened up.
This was a nightmare!
Then around 7 p.m. a posse of nurses came rushing through the door. Moving around in a frenzy getting ready to take me to surgery. Adrenaline rushed through my body. I had waited all day for this and now it was time and it was happening so fast!
Before with my first cesarean, I already had my epidural and labored all day which meant I was just rolled into the operating room and medical staff moved me onto the table in a blur of confusion and exhaustion. The first time, you have no idea what to expect so you are naive to everything.
This time I WALKED myself into the operating room and crawled up onto the operating table as they asked. Human instinct tells you to run! Like how can you willingly allow what is about to happen, happen? As I sat on the side of the table leaning forward into my doctor’s arms while they inserted the spinal block, I glanced up at the monitors and saw my heart rate over 100 and my blood pressure 170/90 and began to panic even more that I was panicking.
Did they see it? Did they know how bad I was panicking?
Apparently! Because as I laid down, I felt the epidural take effect but then suddenly felt like my eyelids were 1000 pounds each. I felt so weird. Not like before with my first c-section.
What Did They Do to Me?
My sister had volunteered herself to be in there with me since the first time my husband got squeamish. She was talking to me, trying to keep my mind off of the situation and I felt completely unable to respond, and when I did, it took so much effort. I was so tired. I wanted to be scared for feeling that way……so out of control but I just couldn’t muster up the energy to express that.
I remember them holding the baby up to the left of me and in slow motion and with all the strength I had turning my head and opening my eyes to see her. Okay, she was okay. I closed my eyes and just wanted to be out of there. After what seemed like a couple of days later, they moved me onto my hospital bed and asked me if I wanted to hold the baby. I felt completely incompetent to do that and from what I was told I expressed that with shaking my head and saying “no, I can’t”. Despite my lack of confidence, a nurse put my arm around the baby and she rode down the hall on my hospital bed with me.
I was so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep, but so many things seemed expected of me. They wanted me to nurse the baby, eat something, drink something, move this way, put your arm out for the IV. I ate the pudding they gave me and proceeded to throw up the rest of the night. I couldn’t stay awake long enough to focus on nursing the baby.
After several hours the nurses came in and wanted me to stand to make sure the numbness had worn off and to get me moving. Although my legs seemed to work my eyes did not. I told them I couldn’t see; it was like looking through a kaleidoscope and everything was spinning. They seemed surprised but agreed to let me lay back down. Still to this day I do not know what I was given during surgery, despite asking at my post-op appointment.
This was definitely not the way it was supposed to go.
This Story Has a Happy Ending
Finally, mid-morning the day after my baby girl was born, the sickness had stopped and I felt more like myself. I explored my new little bundle of joy and looked at all her little fingers and toes. I was finally able to start the bonding process. She was perfect! All was well. We visited with family and played dress up with all the different outfits I brought, and we came home the next day.
Moral of the story: even if you have struggled with infertility, miracles do happen when you least expect them. Do not panic before your c-section, advocate for yourself especially beforehand on what is okay and not okay. And just because delivery does not go as planned does not mean that it will all be bad. Everything turned out just fine in the end.