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Watching It All Slip Through My Fingers
The year hasn’t started off exactly as I hoped it would. I consider myself a pretty self-driven, goal-oriented person but so far, I’ve seriously been lacking. I had all these ideas and dreams of jumping right in with both feet as soon as the clock struck midnight launching me with all my visions into 2020 ready to take on the world.
My black or white, this or that, perfect or forget it attitude is seriously tripping me up. And because these first 2 weeks into the new year have not been perfect and ideal for me, I have let that set the stage for the course of the year……. stupid, I know. There I go again with my negative thinking.
Outrunning the Demons
In the last few months of the year, I was trying to keep myself busy since losing Delaney in September. After that whole ordeal, I have been digging deep for answers. I have been seeking God hard! It seemed so crucial for me to learn what I was supposed to from that trauma, and find out what was next. I definitely felt led by God to marry my ex-husband again. We had been back together for over 5 years and the conviction skyrocketed after our loss. I knew we needed to do it. So, we did.
All that kept me busy. I knew things would be great, and different and hopeful for the new year but I didn’t really know how. I guess I kind of thought that things would just magically start changing for the better. So, on New Year’s Eve when I felt super depressed and hopeless, I questioned everything.
Here Comes The Racing Thoughts
My thoughts started racing! How will I ever have time to write my book this year with a busy toddler? Will we be blessed with another baby this year? Will I be able to handle it, will I be able to handle anything? Why did Delaney die, what did I do wrong? I need to get super healthy! God, I miss my grandma so so much! Why can’t my dad just stop drinking!? How will we get out of debt this year? I need a job! NO, I don’t, I don’t want my daughter to spend her days with anyone else but me……why would I pay for anyone to be able to do that? Why am I always so tired? Why don’t I ever have anything to contribute to anyone? Will my cup ever be full enough to contribute to others? Will I ever feel worthy? I’m so different than everyone else. Why can’t I do things like other women?
And these were my thoughts within just 5 minutes of being in the shower. Why does this always happen in the shower!? My guess is because as women that is one of the very few times we are alone with our thoughts without interruption.
I got out, put back on my Fitbit and watched as it showed my heart rate at 105. There was that spacey feeling. Like I’m not sure if my feet are touching the ground and my head feels funny. I recognize this. I’m very familiar with this feeling. I thought I had mastered my anxiety but with all that has happened lately, it has been triggered. It is trying to make a comeback! I cannot let this happen! I felt incapable to take on the rest of the day. It’s all too much, too overwhelming. Too much to take on without a solution in sight.
Then Comes The Depression
As soon as my eyes opened the next morning, I didn’t feel anxious. I felt like someone had sucked the color out of the world. There was nothing good to look forward to. I wouldn’t be welcoming a baby into the world in a couple of months. My efforts to stay busy at the end of last year caught up to me and I was thrust into reality.
Nothing would change, everything would remain the same, there is no way I will be strong enough to make the changes I needed this year. Everything seemed hopeless. It was so dark and I couldn’t find one glimmer of light. Why did I feel this way?
This is not what faith, trust, or hope in Jesus looks like. I knew better than to think like this. I couldn’t seem to just give it to Jesus, turn to the Word and move on like I normally try to do. Whatever was happening seemed heavier than that, so out of my control. I couldn’t seem to loosen the grip depression had on me to see past it to anything good.
On that day I got it! This is how people that have agonizing relentless depression every single day take their lives. It gets a hold of you. It blinds you of reality. People without mental illness absolutely cannot understand what this feels like. This was the worst bout of it I have ever had. I am so extremely grateful that I do not have to deal with it every single day to that degree.
It Was My Period
Two days later I started my period. Ohhhhh! A huge wave of relief fell over me. I thought my mental state was deteriorating quickly out of the blue. It turns out this time it was a mixture of the previous year’s trauma mixed with my tumultuous past with mental health issues, along with crazy hormones that combined to make one toxic mindset. This is the first period I had since my D&C 6 weeks ago and wow was it a doozie!
So how much do our hormones affect our mental health? And why do we, as a nation, just mostly treat mental health with SSRI’s instead of trying to balance hormones naturally in any effort to help our mindset? It seems as if we are already conflicted with any kind of mental health issue that hormones can definitely exacerbate depression and anxiety. Obviously, I’m no doctor but ladies beware, if you are feeling extra crazy, one is most likely feeding the other. This is why back in the day they used to lock up women going through menopause.
Seeing Color Again
I’m happy to report that at this time I am back to taking all my worry, concerns and doubts to God. Reading my Bible for the answers, and watching the color slowly fade back in. Hoping to be prepared for next time, because it seems next time is inevitable.
Sometimes it is so fun being a woman.
Tell me what you know about anxiety, depression, and hormones.