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This was about the time I was planning to publicly announce that we were expecting our 3rd child. We got the Panorama genetic chromosome test and it was all clear of any problems and it also revealed that we would be having a baby girl! Everything was official. We were ecstatic to have a sister for Journey, our soon to be 2 year old. I was in the 2nd trimester and we felt it was finally time to let people know.
On September 19th all of that changed.
I never ever thought this would be part of my story.
A story that has affected so many other women.
But not me.
I have had 2 healthy, normal pregnancies with healthy babies at the end. Certainly, a 3rd time would be no different…..why would it?
But it was.
Now I know this is something that people and women of all kinds can never ever understand until it happens to you. I never got it until now.
Of course, I knew these things were painful and confusing but I never could wrap my mind around the intensity.
But I get it now.
There has been such a hugely significant array of emotions from the very beginning it has been a rollercoaster and enough to give any person whiplash. Being pregnant less than 2 years after having my daughter was a shock.
Being 37 and being pregnant….a shock.
The idea of having 3 children was initially intimidating. The thought of another cesarean was agonizing to me.
From the flood of thoughts and emotions finding out I was pregnant, being scared and wondering how it all would work.
Finding out we were having a girl! Which would make my 2 girls sisters and close in age, made my heart melt at the idea.
I began to see reason, potential, and was getting so excited! This was obviously meant to be, planned or not, I was intended to be a mother of 3 and be blessed with 2 daughters, because every girl needs a sister.
My apprehension subsided and I couldn’t wait to hold a newborn again. The smells, the sounds, what it would be like to be raising 2 girls close in age. Making plans for the nursery, putting them in matching clothes, hearing their giggles, seeing them play together and watch as the oldest one would teach her little sister everything she knows.
To have it all crash down and be taken from me.
Within 4 days of those beautiful visions from finding out it was a girl, only to find out at the ultrasound that there was no heartbeat. It felt like everything had been stolen from me there in one split second. With an apology and a nod of the head from the ultrasound tech, it was all over. It was too late.
She was gone.
My baby girl that was thriving just a week before was no more.
What have I done?
That is the first thought that comes to mind.
The next 2 days were a blur.
The nightmare continued when they told me that I had to be induced and actually deliver this baby girl.
It seemed so cruel!
I had never even got to deliver before and now I had to go through it and not even have a reward at the end.
It was traumatizing! It was intense!
Again with the extreme swing of emotions. So much relief when she was born and the pain had stopped and it was all over. I just want to move on from all this and return to normal life. But As I sat in my hospital bed that night I began to realize how naive that thought was. This was not over. It will never be over. I had no baby to hold. My body and hormones are still going through all their normal stages completely unaware that there is no baby that needs milk.
As I sit in that bed there is crying from newborns in the other rooms. Again cruelty. The rooms and halls are lined with photography of infants as well as newborn footprints.
Now I had to muster up the courage to tell people who had already known and congratulated us. Maternity clothes to take back, milk to dry up, and a future due date that will have no meaning. Visions, dreams, and potential to let die out.
And a life to try to return to.
Even though she was never part of our lives, I didn’t realize the tremendous hole that she has left. She was part of me for over 4 months. She is my daughter.
I’m so confused. I don’t understand. I’m mad. I’m heartbroken. I want answers. Why does God allow so many pregnancies and not let those babies ever come home with their families?
I am so thankful for my babies at home and my heart aches for the parents that have always gone home empty-handed.
Some babies get to go straight to heaven without experiencing this hard, painful, imperfect world…..and that is the absolute only comfort there is.
Mommy loves you and will never ever forget you Delaney Kate. Until we meet again enjoy heaven with your great Grans.