26 Comments

  1. Gemma
    December 16, 2019 @ 10:26 am

    We lost my Nan this year to dementia. Really though she was gone long before that, gradually each time we I visited her a piece of her was gone. I struggled seeing her in the nursing home, she would have hated being there had she been fully aware.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 17, 2019 @ 2:12 am

      Yes, Gemma, same here. My grandma was not really her self for about 5 years except for random lucid moments. I longed for those wonderful moments when she was herself. My Grans would have hated knowing that she was in a nursing home and what was happening to her too. I am so sorry for your loss.

      Reply

  2. Amelia
    December 15, 2019 @ 1:44 pm

    My mom had a stroke and the grieving process started for me that day. It is hard to lose someone that is so sufficient to you. That played such a part of who you are. After ten years I still think mom would like that or find that silly. As you know grief comes in waves and isn’t something that “ends”.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 15, 2019 @ 3:56 pm

      Amelia, it seems you know all too well what this feels like.
      I’m sorry for the loss of your mother.
      I know it will be a continual process doing life without her.

      Reply

  3. Alexandra
    December 10, 2019 @ 1:02 am

    Wow, this felt really sad. I can tell just how much your grandmother meant to you. You guys must have been really close growing up. I’m really sorry for your loss.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 10, 2019 @ 4:47 pm

      Alexandra, it was a devastating time. We were definitely close. Thanks for reading.

      Reply

  4. Kelly
    December 9, 2019 @ 5:31 am

    Sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful grandma. Anniversaries of our loved ones passing are always difficult, especially so close to Christmas. Sending love to you and your family.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 10, 2019 @ 4:46 pm

      Kelly thanks so much for reading and your kind words. It is definitely hard, especially around the holidays.

      Reply

  5. Subhashish Roy
    December 9, 2019 @ 4:13 am

    Sorry to hear your story and your pain and am able to relate. There is only so much in our control and such incidents make us sit up and realize we are all mortal.

    Reply

  6. Julia
    December 8, 2019 @ 8:49 pm

    Amy, please accept my deepest condolences for your loss.

    It’s devastating to read how people are being treated in nursing homes. My son, who is a musician performs in both assisted living facilities and nursing homes, and I often assist him as he is blind. I know the smell you are talking about, and I do see the difference in the quality of living. So sad!

    I understand that you weren’t ready, and you’d never be, but maybe it was the best finale for your grandma as she didn’t have to suffer for too long.

    Your story is filled with love, heartfully written. Your grandma will always be with you in your heart and memories. Remember her as she always was before those few final days.

    Warmly,

    ~ Julia

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 10, 2019 @ 4:46 pm

      Julia, thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful comment. I do try to remember her as years before the Alzheimer’s and the stroke. We have so many great memories.

      Reply

  7. Britt
    December 7, 2019 @ 4:16 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I remember my last visit to see my grandmother at her nursing home before she passed and like you, I felt like I was talking to someone completely different. She wasn’t the woman I remembered and I try to remember who she was before now when I’m looking back.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 7, 2019 @ 5:03 pm

      Yes Britt, it just didn’t seem like my grandma at all. I do try to just remember how she was when I was younger.

      Reply

  8. Fatima Torres
    December 7, 2019 @ 3:57 pm

    Coping with change can be tough at times. I, too, would’ve driven aimlessly just to process everything that was going on.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 7, 2019 @ 4:59 pm

      Fatima, yes it was so weird how I couldn’t even process what I was physically doing because my mind was so overwhelmed with what I just encountered.

      Reply

    • Justine Warne
      December 15, 2019 @ 5:20 pm

      Beautifully written, so raw and honest. So sorry for your loss. I lost my Gran in 2015, she was 96. One of those similar type relationships where she was my friend, confidante and I looked to her for guidance and support. Totally understand your sadness and the emotions that followed. I think of my Gran every day and know that a lot of my decisions she would have been very happy to chat about over a cup of tea. Be kind to yourself.

      Reply

  9. Sarah Emery
    December 7, 2019 @ 6:32 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and comfort in her memory.

    Reply

  10. Luna S
    December 6, 2019 @ 7:14 pm

    I am so sorry it is never easy to lose a loved one especially when it is unexpected. Two years ago I came home from work the day before my birthday, and checked the mail like I normally do, when I came into the house I mentioned to my husband how weird it was that I hadn’t received a birthday card from my grandmother yet as she ALWAYS made sure to send everyone birthday and holiday cards before the big day. Later that evening I got onto facebook just to check it and saw posts that she had passed away earlier in the day (aside from my grandmother and one or two relatives, I don’t really talk with many people on my dad’s side), I was absolutely crushed. I had just visited her the week prior (I visited her weekly) and she looked and seemed perfectly healthy so it was very unexpected. For several months after it happened any time I had to drive near where her house is I instinctually wanted to go to her house, but I realized she wouldn’t be there. I love and cherish the time I got to spend with her.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 7, 2019 @ 4:57 pm

      Oh Luna, that is a devastating way to find out. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that feeling all to well of just wanting to go back to that same house and realizing that I can never go there again. Thanks for sharing.

      Reply

  11. Scott J DeNicola
    December 6, 2019 @ 6:13 pm

    Reading this brought back so many memories. I lived in the same apartment building my grandparents lived in when I was first married an, unfortunately, experienced a similar situation to you. I had to see my grandmother right after she passed and wait with her until the funeral home arrived. Waiting in a one-bedroom apartment remembering all the joy I once had in this place when she would feed me sugar cubes behind my parents back and slip money into my pockets. It wasn’t easy. She too had a stroke years before and became limited to a wheelchair yet never complained about a thing. I also lost my dad to cancer in 2001 and wish I knew the night I left that it would be the last time I’d see him. Death is inevitable for us all and sometimes we see it coming and still can’t prepare for it. God bless your Grandma.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 7, 2019 @ 4:55 pm

      Scott, thanks for sharing your memories of your grandmother. Grandmas certainly are special and it can be so sad how the end goes. It is heartbreaking. Sorry for both your losses. Thanks for reading.

      Reply

  12. Despite Pain
    December 6, 2019 @ 4:35 pm

    Your Grandma was obviously very treasured and always will be. It’s always so difficult when we lose a loved one, no matter how old they are. Anniversaries are hard, aren’t they? I hope you can get through the day by thinking of happy times.

    Reply

  13. Nicole
    December 4, 2019 @ 10:22 pm

    My heart feels every bit of whar you described here. First, thanks for sharing this with us! Such an intimate and heart wrenching situation! But, second, I can relate, but with my daddy. I know this sadness, pain, anger because it’s just not fair, and the agnoy of having to say goodbye. My prayers are with you and your family. We celebrate the day my daddy went home to be with the Lord on Dec. 14th, always making this time of year harder that most. It doesnt get better, however it does get easier! Sending ❤

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 4, 2019 @ 11:30 pm

      I’m sorry you went through this with your dad. It is devastating, especially this time of year.
      Thanks so much for reading and reaching out.

      Reply

  14. Alice Kubiske
    December 4, 2019 @ 2:47 pm

    Wow! This brought back so many memories of my mom and my boyfriend who passed away from cancer. Both had similar situations going from assisted living to the hospital followed by the nursing home experience where they died. So sad yet I know they are waiting for me in Heaven.

    Reply

    • Amy
      December 4, 2019 @ 9:59 pm

      Alice, I’m so sorry for your losses and thanks for reading.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *