Changing Courses

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I’ve come to a fork in the road. I can continue on the same path passing on the toxic behaviors I’ve inherited. Or I can choose the path of uncharted territory.

This is where I’m at.
My body, mind, and emotions are causing me to halt. As if there is an invisible force field not allowing me to continue on.
I can’t know what I know now and continue on the path of toxicity.
I’ve grown.

I’ve evolved.

And I know better.

Just because you were raised a certain way doesn’t mean that’s the only way or the right way.
I’m becoming much more aware of what is healthy behavior and what is toxic.
I see a line of pain that’s been idly passed down.
Maybe you’ve seen the quote: “pain moves through families until someone is ready to feel it and heal it.”
I feel it. I see it. I’m ready to heal it.
It actually looks like the only option to me.
My mental and physical health will no longer allow me to endure the emotional pain anymore.
I’ve been enlightened. More and more tools have been set along my path. People, books, epiphanies, all things that I feel confident to back me and push me into uncharted territory.
When I read some of these books, I’m forced to think of those that have endured worse than me.
There are adults and children out there trying to find the light and interpret the truth after sexual abuse and physical abuse and that absolutely Breaks. My. Heart.
Abuse is abuse no matter what form.

Although I’m not dealing with physical healing, the ramifications that emotional abuse has left on my mental state has affected my entire life. Abuse does not discriminate, leaving the psyche a confused dysfunctional mess. And so the pattern continues.
There are broken, hurting people trying to raise kids without having the mental capacity.

This is an epidemic!
Thinking about this crushes my soul. Because it means the pattern will never end.

Children come into this world as a clean slate. Innocent. Only knowing and learning what they see. Corrupted and taking on the burden of their parent’s unhealed traumas.
I’ve come to a point where I can step back and see from an objective viewpoint that my parents have unresolved pain they have never healed from. I can offer grace and forgiveness. BUT it doesn’t mean that the pattern can or should continue. Actually, I would be doing a disservice to myself and my children if I didn’t stop the toxic pattern.
So as hard as it may be it has to be done. I want mentally healthy children.

I believe God has allowed this and brought me to this point. I can’t rely on my own strength or confidence for this change.
My confidence comes from the professionals that have successfully laid the groundwork for healing but also, without a doubt…GOD.