Breastfeeding made me an Emotional Train-wreck!
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No one, and I do mean no one told me that I would lose my mind breastfeeding! At first, I didn’t catch on. Too busy trying to gain steady ground becoming a “geriatric” mother recovering from a nightmare of a c-section.
Blindsided
I always knew that this time I wanted to breastfeed much longer than the whopping 3 weeks I did with my son. So, while I was focused on getting it right, feeling proud of myself, and dealing with all those left-over pregnancy hormones, I didn’t catch on that I was losing my mind.
Around the 6 month mark I remember wondering why it felt like every person I encountered in the whole world was here to destroy me. Everybody and everything made me either want to bawl uncontrollably or murder them. There was no in between. I was a monster!
I was a starving, sleep-deprived, overly sensitive monster! People were keeping their distance and I don’t blame them.
Feelings of giving in
I introduced formula at about 5 months and hung on another 5 months breastfeeding primarily and throwing a formula bottle in there a couple times a day. It wasn’t until she was 10 months old that I gave it up completely due to a diminishing supply.
I beat myself up about that constantly! Breastfeeding thoughts consumed me all day and night. In the beginning I resisted and resisted the thought of formula. I would look up ingredients in formula and freak out thinking how can she go from having one ingredient of pure natural mother’s milk to some powdery substance with 30 ingredients!
With that being said though when we started formula it took a few weeks for us to find one she really liked but then she was all about it. My girl liked to eat! She didn’t care if it was breast milk or formula, she was happy either way.
Now that she is 14 months I can look back and see that it was the freakin hormones! Now that everything has had time to even out, I feel like my old self again.
With the exception of the lactation consultant and the pediatrician I really didn’t have anyone else on board supporting me or offering insight. Having a support system also would have helped encourage me, but none of the women in my family had breastfed and they certainly didn’t understand why I would want to or have any advice when times got hard.
That first period was rough! I’ll spare you all the details. However, it did result in me taking a trip to the doctor to make sure I wasn’t going anemic.
Do I regret breastfeeding? Absolutely not!
The end
Once a full week had went by without her breastfeeding or me pumping (man was I glad to give up the pumping) then I had to deal with all the sentimental feelings.
How was it over already?
Did I appreciate it?
Will I always remember what it was like?
How will we have those super special bonding moments now?
When I was exclusively breastfeeding, we had such a beautifully dependent relationship. I needed her and she needed me. We were one. Where she went, I went and vice versa. All of that was gone and it struck a whole new batch of emotions.
It was sad.
It was a longing. I was closing a chapter I knew I would NEVER revisit. It was watching my boobs fill up and be lumpy and intentionally not doing anything about it. Cringing at the fact that the healthiest thing on Earth for her was just being wasted. I pumped a little bit just to put in the freezer and save, careful trying not to signal to my boobs to make more and start the cycle all over again.
Cold, Hard, Realization
There is not much information that doctors are readily able to convey to women with PCOS. I have a theory that because my hormones were never completely aligned anyway, that something like breastfeeding just obliterated them more.
Most people lose weight while breastfeeding. Not this girl.
My hair didn’t grow, my body packed on the pounds and I was an emotional wreck. I felt like I was losing my mind. Add to that the depression that has always lingered around me and it was not pretty!
What got me through was first off that I was physically able to do so with no problems and very little soreness, and secondly it is the most holistic approach for babies. So, ladies, if you feel crazy during breastfeeding know that you are not alone. Once you stop, give it a couple months and your authentic self will return! Those hormones are no joke.
Needing more insight feel free to ask me any questions.
April 5, 2019 @ 6:33 pm
Hello, Mother of 3 all under 9 years, I was never good a breastfeeding. I will never forget when my oldest my Daughter was born in 2009 and was early she came at 35 weeks and had to stay in the NICU for one week the longest week ever. The lactation nurses were super pushy I felt so pressured I had to pump to bring her milk and all I was pumping was and ounce and a half if that. She wouldn’t could latch on since she was early so o pumped for about a month or so and all I ever got was if any thing and ounce or two with both breast!! This how it was with all of my kids, but by the 2 & 3 child I didn’t care what people thought I did what I needed to do for me and my children. I will never understand stand the bashing and pressuring for women to breastfeed some of us really can’t its part of who we are.
April 6, 2019 @ 2:14 am
I agree there definitely is a stigma associated with breastfeeding. The important thing is you tried and you recognized your limits.
Thanks for reading.
April 5, 2019 @ 5:18 pm
I can relate in some ways. With my first I didn’t have the support at all that I needed so I gave up writhing the first week due to not having any help or knowing what I was even doing, then my second came along and I was devoted to do it this time and I did so I struggled here and there and I had to supplement with formula because I wasn’t producing enough for my baby so that really hurt that I wanted to do this so bad and I couldn’t even produce enough for my baby, we made it through and lasted 15 months before we both decided to end our journey and then with my third we are 4 months and still going strong as some days are better than others I am producing enough to satisfy him and for a little supply in the freezer not as much as I would still want but a start and all that anxiety does get the better of us during this journey and it is a tough road. We as moms know what is best and fed is best no matter what!
April 6, 2019 @ 2:12 am
Christine, that is great! I wish it didn’t have such a hold on how we value ourselves when we can’t make enough. It seems each time you get more confident and have more success. Breastfeeding is SO healthy. Keep up the good work!
April 5, 2019 @ 2:56 pm
I’m so glad you put this out there! So may people don’t like to talk about how hard it is, but it’s ok to say, “I tried and it’s not working for me!”
April 5, 2019 @ 3:41 pm
It definitely didn’t come easy for me.
Thanks for commenting Patrice.
April 5, 2019 @ 1:49 pm
Breastfeeding is definitely not easy for most. I recently did a post on how fed is best. There is such a stigma about formula. With my first I felt like a failure introducing formula but the reality was my supply has never been enough with all three of my boys so I had to supplement. It was important that they were fed. Hormones are crazy!
April 5, 2019 @ 3:43 pm
Laura, I wish I would have realized sooner that was the reason I was so emotional. Identifying would have made a difference for myself and those around me instead of feeling crazy lol.
April 5, 2019 @ 1:46 pm
I like how you worded this. I felt the same way about breastfeeding. It was overwhelming with being a working mom in sales. I only did it for a month. Thanks for sharing.
April 5, 2019 @ 3:43 pm
Thanks Liz, it is nice to know other moms felt this way.