A Day in the Life: Health Anxiety Edition

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It’s January 17th, 2022 at 3:30 p.m.
My 4-year-old daughter and I just got back from a drive. It’s one of the activities I deem as safe that we are able to do on the long cold days of January away from crowds and sickness.
I cling to the sun and the music filling my car as if it is giving me the air in my lungs.
I’ve talked about my struggle with mental health and anxiety before.
I guess I just find it odd that anxiety will follow you around and manifest itself in many ways. It preys on your weaknesses.

When anxiety first came on the scene in my mid 20’s it was panic attacks and severe generalized anxiety. The times I wasn’t actually panicking, I stayed in a constant state of feeling drunk and disoriented.
One particular night I sat in a Mexican restaurant with my husband and son feeling like a balloon floating above the table. I looked around at all the lights hanging over the tables and wondered why they were so dim. If it was just brighter maybe I would feel a little more clear-headed.

That feeling continued for a couple of years.
Then there was nearly a full decade that I feared cancer to the extreme. Who am I kidding…I still do. That fear of cancer phase is the reason I no longer charge my phone near my bed at night, use plastic containers, or eat microwavable popcorn along with a whole slew of other things.
But nothing tops these past 3 years. From my very first surgery to an ambulance ride during a horrifying miscarriage and then to a literal pandemic. My health has taken the forefront of my attention.
I’m unwillingly doing a complete body scan every minute of the day.

I keep thinking if I could just stay on top of it, ward everything off. And get as much information as possible that I could take back control and not be so afraid. But I learned early on that doesn’t exist and the high alert state is counterintuitive for good health.
There’s never enough information to make me feel at ease.

One 15 minute session of scrolling social media validates my anxiety. So many people asking for prayers for sick loved ones, or talking about their own symptoms, canceled functions, school closings, talks of ventilators, and hospital bed availability send me into a tailspin.
With a rapid heartbeat, I go take another vitamin C and chase it with a shot of Elderberry and try to ignore the scratchy throat sensation that has suddenly come on.

I cancel playdates, stay out of restaurants and wear 2 masks in the health food store to get more supplements. I make my family do the same. Ironically, it’s not just the “C” word that I’m scared of mostly because we’ve already had it, but it is all sickness, stomach viruses, bronchitis, influenza, strep throat…I don’t want any of it. My illogical brain even likes to tell me that we could be the ones to catch the dreaded “C” again and this time may not be as lucky.

The funny thing is…15 years ago I wasn’t like this. I didn’t think about how many people I was around and how close their proximity was to me. I didn’t look at flu reports or sanitize everything constantly.
It’s all so irrational and makes me feel prisoner to my own stupid brain.
I look around and see people living their lives and making plans, meanwhile my brain screams “danger, danger!”
I try and tell myself that maybe I’m justified, after all, it has been an incredibly hard past 3 years with two pregnancy losses, deaths in the family, and sickness running through our home every month since July.

Maybe I’m being smart by trying to give myself some solitude and a much-needed break from catastrophe.
Either way…health anxiety is exhausting, any kind of anxiety is exhausting. No one should feel petrified all the time. It’s not even that I’m scared of death…I don’t think anyway, but that horrible in-between place of suffering and feeling out of control. As a Christian these feelings even go against my belief, God has not given us a spirit of fear.
My prayer this year is to be free from fear of sickness and all health anxiety. And I do believe God will come through and deliver me from this…he’s just making sure he builds my character first.

Please don’t feel alone if you are suffering with health anxiety, believe me you are not the only one.
Anxiety sufferers unite…through a screen where we are safe, tell me if you have health anxiety and what are some of your coping mechanisms. I discovered this guy on Tik Tok, and his Youtube videos have been a huge help lately. Also this book Hope and Help for your nerves has been eye opening.