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I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel when this day came. In the summer of 2019 when I first heard the scheduled c-section date of March 2nd I assumed it would always be a day of celebration. From my past pregnancies, I had no reason to believe this one would be any different.
Today I’m sad.
I’m heartbroken, I should be celebrating the first birthday of my 3rd child.
I kept thinking that maybe after her due date it wouldn’t hurt as much. That maybe I wouldn’t think about her every single day like I did those months leading up to her due date.
I was hopeful that maybe the trauma and the grief would ease up just a little. I thought maybe I wouldn’t analyze every second leading up to and after losing her so much.
But I can say with certainty that the first year after her due date doesn’t feel any better.
It’s like I keep waiting and waiting for it to not be so sad. Like something to make it better. Maybe more time will heal, I honestly don’t know.
There are no pictures I can take solace in, and without physical proof it seems hard for people to comprehend that she was a real person or have any emotional attachment.
But for 15 weeks and 6 days she was a part of me. Every second of the day, every place that I went I cradled her inside me, what I thought was keeping her safe.
There’s not one day that I don’t wonder what it would have been like to have her here. Some days I let my imagination get the best of me. This past weekend I imagined what her 1st birthday party would have looked like.
What would she like? What would she be doing? I wonder if she would have been walking yet. But most of all I picture her trailing behind her older sister and watching them become best friends.
Happy 1st Birthday Delaney.