1st Birthday
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I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel when this day came. In the summer of 2019 when I first heard the scheduled c-section date of March 2nd I assumed it would always be a day of celebration. From my past pregnancies, I had no reason to believe this one would be any different.
Today I’m sad.
I’m heartbroken, I should be celebrating the first birthday of my 3rd child.
I kept thinking that maybe after her due date it wouldn’t hurt as much. That maybe I wouldn’t think about her every single day like I did those months leading up to her due date.
I was hopeful that maybe the trauma and the grief would ease up just a little. I thought maybe I wouldn’t analyze every second leading up to and after losing her so much.
But I can say with certainty that the first year after her due date doesn’t feel any better.
It’s like I keep waiting and waiting for it to not be so sad. Like something to make it better. Maybe more time will heal, I honestly don’t know.
There are no pictures I can take solace in, and without physical proof it seems hard for people to comprehend that she was a real person or have any emotional attachment.

But for 15 weeks and 6 days she was a part of me. Every second of the day, every place that I went I cradled her inside me, what I thought was keeping her safe.
There’s not one day that I don’t wonder what it would have been like to have her here. Some days I let my imagination get the best of me. This past weekend I imagined what her 1st birthday party would have looked like.
What would she like? What would she be doing? I wonder if she would have been walking yet. But most of all I picture her trailing behind her older sister and watching them become best friends.
Happy 1st Birthday Delaney.
July 10, 2021 @ 8:41 am
There are no words to comfort a grieving parent, but I hope you find peace. Thank you for sharing your story as part of your healing process. You will be a source of comfort for many others.
March 5, 2021 @ 2:07 pm
Mega hugs. We lost our third son at 20 weeks just over two years ago. There are no words, just virtual hugs and to say that you are not alone in this.
March 5, 2021 @ 2:44 pm
Hugs back to you. I’m sorry for your loss. How have you coped the last 2 years?